Enough of the strained wedding planning conversations! It’s totally normal to have differing visions for your wedding day, but it doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other. With a little out-of-the-box thinking, you can have the elopement of your dreams while still giving your partner the wedding details that matter most to them. Below is a step-by-step process to combine your ideals.

1. Reflect

To begin planning your elopement or wedding in earnest, you need to know what you and your partner care deeply about. To do this, I recommend that you both take a private moment to write down your top three most important wedding day details.

Be specific. For example, saying you want an intimate ceremony is vague and leaves room for interpretation. Instead, write down what an intimate ceremony means to you. It can range from only inviting immediate family or a few guests to marrying yourselves through self-solemnizing without another soul around.

Clarity here will help your communication later. When you’ve finished your list, rank the items from most important to least and get ready to be open-minded.

2. Listen

Next, it’s time to discuss your lists. Set the stage by having compassion for one another, but know that it may not be possible to include all six priorities in one day. Ask follow-up questions as you listen to each other’s values and try to understand why each item is important to your partner.

If you’re unsure why something is on your list, dig deeper. Is this something that you value or something that you’ve been told to value by other people?

3. Compromise

Ideally, you’d each be able to include each of your top three priorities in your elopement day. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Consider what compromises you could make that would give you both what you want.

For example, you don’t have to have your ceremony and reception on the same day. If you’re hoping for an intimate ceremony (destination anyone?), it’s acceptable to host a reception before or after. Others who want to share their ceremony with their guests, but still like the idea of saying their vows in private do just that by having a private vow reading followed by a ceremony in front of their guests.

4. Get inspired

Don’t limit your plans to what you’ve seen done before. Now is the time to be creative! Pick and choose what traditions you like and toss the ones you don’t. Combine all the elements you’re drawn to and nix anything that doesn’t excite you. Make up your own rules to follow and enjoy planning again!

To help you see what’s possible, check out these resources.